Liberalism is synonymous with hedonism, don’t let the dictionaries fool you, they were all written by us liberals (naturally, since conservatives can’t read or write). A liberal party is literally a party in the fullest sense of the word, nonstop, never ending, like Mardi Gras or Carnival.
All we do is party, we don’t work, we live off the sweat of the conservative brow, we don’t wear much in the way of clothing, we all drink wine, we all ride horses, we all play polo and we always leave a half smoked cigarette in the ashtray.
This, while the poor whom our right wing friends love so much, suffer from hunger pangs and lack of basic utilities. But my bleeding heart conservative friend is not as honest as he seems, he loves the poor because of their poverty. It is in his interest to keep them poor, that is after all his popular support, likewise he loves the average man, of average intellect and average opinions, because if he were better than average, my conservative friend would have a hard time convincing him of anything.
We liberals hate the poor and the mediocre, we do not want people to be poor, we are the enemies of poverty and want it to dissappear from the world. Likewise, we detest the man in the street. I mean, what’s he doing in the street anyway? It’s suspicious behaviour. Also, why is he not in a four-wheel drive or on his own private lawn? The street is not a nice place to be. We don’t want him there, he is likely to get run over, or fined for impeding traffic (or our horses).
In short, we are too principled for these right wing walruses and their duplicitous attempts at philanthropy.
Now you may wonder, how will you know if you have the moral fiber to become a liberal and take a tough stance on the extermination of poverty and mediocrity? Well here is an easy check list:
Can you think yourself into a migraine?
Do you often find yourself on the wrong end of Pakistani law?
Do you feel alienated and bored at work, at college, in school?
Do you take any mind altering substances?
Do you often doubt yourself…on second thought forget that one
If you checked more than one of the above, then you have liberal blood and are ready to party.
Here is another checklist to mark for conservative tendencies:
Do you often sit alone drooling from the mouth?
Do you get easily confused by big words?
Do you have to stop and ask for directions even when you’re not going anywhere?
Do you have a blemish on your forehead?
Do you eat lots of dates and sweets?
Do you obsessively wash your hands and feet five times a day?
If you checked more than two of the above than you are lying and are just a liberal trying to pass off as a conservative. If you’re still confused about what you had to do and have marked a tick somewhere in the middle of this sentence, congratulations you are a true conservative, some orderlies will be with you to provide assistance shortly.