I have gone and seen another festering gob of a movie. What can I say, I enjoy the punishment. Although in my defense, I had no idea what I was getting into this time. Imagine my surprise when Ali Duffer walks in during the opening scene, I thought I’d had too much to drink again and had passed out in some gutter, hallucinating. That would have been more pleasant.
He looked really…buff though, what’s he been eating? His in-laws? Or maybe they just pumped some air into him through his asshole before every shot. I heard they used to do that with Sanjay Datt until he simply exploded one day. They’ve been busy putting him back together ever since.
The film starts with Ali Duffer (he’s called Luv, Luv!) breaking up with his girlfriend in England over a broken widescreen TV (understandable, women have no appreciation for the finer things in life) and calling his brother back home, in India not Pakistan, India is his home now, asking him to find a nice, presumably virginal girl for him, as he is tired of screwing around and wants to get married. Hence the title.
His brother is played despairingly by former Pakistan cricket captain and Tehreek-i-Insaaf leader, Imran Khan. Having lost more elections than Ralph Nader, a feat research analysts had deemed impossible a few years ago, he is in hiatus these days across the border, taking things easy, posing as actor Amir Khan’s nephew.
Rounding up the main cast is Katrina Calf who, as usual, forgot to bring all her clothes to the set and had to make do with wearing towels and small handkerchiefs. Also, someone obviously translated her version of the script from Hindi to gibberish, a language I’ve yet to learn, so I couldn’t understand any of her dialog, I think she was meant to be a stray vagabond who threatened to sing to people if she wasn’t paid, but was eventually captured by this old Indian couple who want to sell her into slavery, but I’m not sure.
Unnecessarily long story short, Immy K arranges for Duffer to marry Calf but falls in love, and in a busy Delhi street (they’re riding a scooter, she throws her shopping bags across his face, don’t ask why), with her instead…and that’s about it. In one painfully drawn out scene, Duffer overdoses on Bhang and confesses to a camera that this is how they made him sign for the film. In another painfully drawn out sequence, Calf is pretending to be drunk – and it makes me wonder if she’s ever had alcohol in all her life – and reenacts Dharmendra’s suicide scene from Sholay, and when I say reenacts what I really mean is takes an elephant sized dump on the whole thing’s figurative head.
Yes, reenacts can be used in that sense, you skeptical bastards.