Dengue

It bites at the break of dawn and at the uh, what is an acceptable verb to accompany dusk? It bites at the break of dawn and the mending of dusk? It bites at the break of dawn and the gluing together of dusk? Nah, not feeling it, great chief Passing Wisdom say, when in doubt, try synonyms. Break of dawn and…snap of dusk?…crack of dusk?…multiple hairline fracture of dusk? Great chief Passing Wisdom a jerk, call Passing Wind from now.

Start over. Engaging Urdu mode.

Dengue ka machar Shara’i machar hai. Yeh Fajr aur Maghrib ke waqt kaat ta hai. Baqi din nahin kaat ta. Baqi din Roza rakhta hai. Jin logon ki tangein aur bazoo nangi hon, unko pehle kaat ta hai. Parda daaron ko nahin kaat ta. Burqa posh khawateen ko nahin kaat ta. Uski aik waja shayid yeh bhi hai ke burqe ke ander se humeisha khatoon nahin nikalti, Maulvi bhi baramad hojate hein. Maulvion ko bhi nahin kaat ta, kyunke Mualvi ulta isse kaat lete hein.

Maulvi tau dengue ka ilaj kera lega, lekin bechara machar Maulvi ka ilaj kahan se kerayega? Maulvi ka ilaj macharon ki masqeen si qaum se bohut taqatvar qaumon ne dhoonda hai; Turkon ne dhoonda, Mughlon ne dhoonda, Angrezon ne dhoonda, nahin mila, sab isi nateeje per pohnche ke Maulvion ka koi ilaj nahin.

Akhir mein Turk bhi Maulvi hogaye, Mughal bhi Maulvi hogaye, Angrez bhag gaye; isi mein unki bhalayi thi, ager yahan reh jatay tau woh bhi Maulvi hojatay. Safeid topian pehen lete, nahana chor dete, daarion per qaside likhte.

Han tau baat horahi thi aj kal ki sab se wabai bimari, Maulvi…nahin, dengue ke baaray mein. Yeh bimari choone se nahin phelti, lekin choone se aur bohut sari bimarian phelti hein, is liye zaroorat se zyada kisi ko nahin choona chahiyai.

Maulvi choone se phel jatay hein, itna phel jatay hein ke apne aap ka peeron se mawaazna kerne lagte hein. Phir logon ke liye unko choona majboori ban jati hai, peiron per, ghutnon per, hathelion per; aksar log unglion se choote hein ya moonh se, magar hathelion per rupiye se choona parta hai. Ager kisi Maulvi kau bohut zyada choo liya jaye tau woh apne liye koi sunehra laqb chun leta hai, maslan Sheikh-ul-Islam, Ameer-ul-Momineen wagheira. Is ke baad woh naam se nahin pukara jata, sirf laqb se.

Machar aisa nahin kerte. Woh apni shanakht naam se hi keraate hein, aik doosre ko laqb nahin dete. De bhi dein tau kya deinge? Sheikh-ul-Bukhar ya Ameer-ul-Bawaseer ko kaun moonh lagaye ga.

Dengue ki bimari aksar logon mein jaan leva ya mohlik nahin sabit hoti. Kuch roz haspatal mein guzarne parte hein, teeke lagwane parte hein, karwe patte khane parte hein, phir aadmi gher ajata hai. Bukhar uttar jata hai. Tawanai wapis ane lagti hai.

Maulvi ki bimari aksar jaan leva aur mohlik sabit hota hai. Haspatalon mein jane ka koi faida nahin. Teeke lagwane ka koi faida nahin. Takhnon se oonchi shalwar le ayen. Miswak ki gathri le ayen. Ap tau maare gaye.

Dengue ko muhavratan ‘qamar taur bukhar’ bhi bola jata hai. Yeh bimari aadmi ka gharoor khatam ker deti hai. Uska sir jhuka deti hai. Aajzi sikhati hai. Musalman banati hai.

Maulvi bhi qamar taur deta hai, lekin muhavratan nahin, asal mein. Kabhi apne wazan se, kabhi apni baaton ke wazan se. Waqayi mein qamar toot jane se koi aajzi nahin ati, awazari ati hai, admi lechaar hojata hai, bezaar hojata hai, khuda se door hojata hai, logon se bhi, balkay log us se door hojatay hein, kyunke us ki tau qamar tooti pari hai, woh tau tas se mas nahin hosakta.

Tau yeh tha hamara aj ka sabaq. Pyaray bacho, yeh machar is mulk mein Shariat nafiz kerne aya hai. Logon kau poore kapray pehnane aya hai. Fajr aur Maghrib ki yad dilane aya hai. Maulvi in mein se koi kaam kerne nahin aya. Koi agar Fajr ke waqt uth bhi jaye, tau Maulvi usko lalkaar ker bhaga deta hai. Maulvi per na rehna, machar ki maan lo.

Bus.

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23 thoughts on “Dengue

  1. S says:

    This is the first (and probably the last) time I’ve ever left a comment on a blog (let’s accept it; 95% blogs are collectively the sewer of the internet) and I’m only going to say one thing:

    Absofuckinglutely Brilliant.

  2. Noumaan says:

    very nice comparison of Dengue and Molvis both can be dangerous and both are around for a very long time.

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      Indeed Mr. Noumaan, historians are unclear as to what came first, it’s like a chicken and egg situation, only chickens and eggs are nice, both molvis and machars are assholes.

  3. Ugly Shoelace says:

    haha.

    How about I read this out to that patient suffering from dengue in my ward? >.<

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      You’re on dengue duty? Ouch. My mom’s on forced dengue duty, she’s a psychologist, helping patients with trauma, she’s very good with trauma, she can give you a headache just with that shrill voice. Anyway, I’ve stopped talking to her now, and I’ve stopped calling her mom, and when she comes back tonight I’m not letting her into the house.

      Only way to be safe really.

  4. I LOL’d at this. Also, thank goodness for less green.

  5. ezuhaib says:

    “Maulvi choone se phel jatay hein” …. ROFL.
    And I really like your Urdu.

  6. […] bhi baramad hojate hein. Maulvion ko bhi nahin kaat ta, kyunke Mualvi ulta isse kaat lete hein. [Must read – apologies to those who can't read Urdu in Roman […]

  7. “Pyaray bacho, yeh machar is mulk mein Shariat nafiz kerne aya hai.”
    Awesomeness. Really interesting perspective!

  8. Shivam Vij says:

    haste haste pet dard ho gaya

  9. manihammad says:

    Muhtaram Haseeb Sb, Ap nay aik nihayat hi aham maslay ki tarf hamari tawajun mabzool karwanay ki koshish ki hai jis per hum apkay dil say mashkoor hein. Yeh masla keh dengue zaida khatarnak hai ya maulvi, aik bara hi nazuk masla hai. Mein Supreme Court say darkhwasat karunga keh woh az-khud notice letay huay is case ki samaat shoro karey. Yeh masla theek karnay ka aik aur hal hai keh apna vote register karwa kar Imran Khan ko vote dala jayay. Inquliab Zindabad!

  10. Saleem says:

    can I post it in inpage (Urdu)

  11. Dinky Mind says:

    You write so amazing! Loved reading every line of it😀

  12. What a brilliant writer you are! I came here with your article about “Pakistan ki tareekh” on Kafila, and I am really happy to find you. And I love your Urdu (I know the script a little bit, but it is easier to read it in Roman; warna aaja kal aisi Urdu kahaan padhne milti hai janaab)! Best luck, I will be coming back here again and again🙂

  13. Baadsah says:

    Kya dangue ka koi ilaz hai.
    hai to plz mujhe mail krna.
    baadsahali@gmail.com

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