I am a liberal fascist. What is a liberal fascist, you ask? Ah! The act of posing a question, a remarkable gift from the doctrines of liberalism. Us liberals invented the question mark you see, before us, there was only the mark. Conservatives used it to finish off sentences like so. Or when they inevitably ran out of platitudes like so…but they would never let a sentence end in an inquiry.
Conservatives are afraid of the question mark, they fear it like hoodlums fear the bat-signal, or cats fear water, but in liberalism it is the cornerstone of our ideology. In fact, you must ask questions, it is mandatory. That is where the fascist nature of liberalism comes in. Everybody is forced to pose questions and form opinions, even if they don’t want to.
You must question everything, except that of course, don’t question that or you will be beaten with the tautology stick. Be especially inquisitive when faced with the incongruent, the implausible or the just plain stupid. Shrugging, grunting, staring blankly into space and other staple conservative responses are not an option.
The question mark must be a part of every second or third sentence you utter. If you cannot think of a question, simply inflate your voice and make a statement in an inquisitional tone. For example, if somebody asks,
‘Why aren’t you eating anything?’
Turn your reply into another question.
‘Because I had a late breakfast?’
‘How come you’re not coming to the party tonight?’
‘Because I have a lot of work?’
And so on. Talking in certitude is a conservative thing to do, always sound unsure of what you say, leave room for ambiguity, respect the other’s right as a postmodern interpreter of your words.
It may seem a bit difficult at first, and I know conservatives just getting into the habit will struggle immensely, but don’t fret, I am here to help.
Here is an incorrect usage of a question mark:
‘Why must? we be forced to obey religious laws when religion is a private matter of faith’
Here is the correct usage of that question mark:
‘Why must we be forced to obey religious laws when religion is a private matter of faith?’
Pay attention now conservatives, you’ll notice the question mark comes at the end of the sentence. It never comes at the beginning of the sentence. Not unless you’re dumbfounded, speechless and confused (which would be fairly often for you I suppose) and just wish to say
Here is another incorrect usage of a question mark:
‘Is liberalism really the best ideology for this nation?’
The correct form of that question would be:
‘Do we really need another mosque in this neighbourhood? Why not a shopping mall instead?’
Conservatives should notice that questioning liberal ideas is not what the question mark was intended for, please also desist from asking rhetorical questions like ‘why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?’ and ‘what colour does a Smurf turn when you choke it?’. We are liberals, not philosophers, we don’t have the time to waste.