I am a liberal fascist, up until recently I had thought that, being a paradox, maybe I did not exist, that I was a figment of deluded right wing conservative minds. However, through the help of many short heighted and round bellied media personalities I have discovered that not only am I real, but I am the rightful heir to the colonial legacy of this country. Awesome.
The right is not fascist of course, which is another way of saying they are weak willed. For instance they will recommend that you not drink alcohol or that you do fast during Ramadan, but they will never coerce you. You will be insulted, looked down upon, socially ostracized, bullied and possibly arrested, but not coerced. They only want to see you avoid all those hardships; they have your best interest at heart.
We liberals on the other hand, are fascists; we will insist that you do drink alcohol and not fast. We don’t care about your best interests; we will not point out to you any of the health risks involved in gorging yourself between half a day’s interval of starvation, we will simply forbid you from doing it.
The conservatives won’t admit to drinking alcohol, this is one of their greatest victories. Since we in the liberal camp do not believe in lying to ourselves (is that even possible? asked Confucius in the mirror one day), we always end up admitting to it. This gets us into trouble because the conservative law states that you must never admit to taking alcohol (yes, replied his reflection, letting out its breath and swelling two inches at the waist).
These laws will soon change, as will the conservative mindset, once us liberals come into power. They will be able to talk about their indulgence in public, and they will no longer have to buy their liquor in opaque bags which they keep hidden in wardrobe closets.
We will encourage all members of society to drink. No one will be too old or too young, kids will have doctors brandy, doctors will have kids brandy, mothers will have wine, fathers beer and grandfathers will spend their evenings proposing to the television set after another bottle of whiskey.
A bar will be opened in every neighbourhood, where drinks will be subsidized and free on national holidays such as Happy Liberalism Day and the death anniversary of Mr. Salman Taseer. Anybody found not drinking after 9 PM will be taken to the nearest gallows and shot in the liver. Think of your liver my conservative friends; breaking down alcohol is what it’s for.
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, it’s a long journey from self-discovery to totalitarian state control, but one that hopefully you are willing to take with me. Now let us do away with the conservative way of ending an article with a conclusion and write something incomprehensible in a foreign language.
Avez-vous jamais eu le sexe avec un gorille?