Hairy Potter – for those of you who’ve just come out from under rocks: massive, epic, ass shattering spoilers warning

How old is Daniel Radcliffe now, like, fifty? He had the kind of stubble you get when you can only shave by running a sharpened spoon across your face while looking in somebody’s side-view mirror, cause you know, you don’t have a job, or a home, or a razor.

Movie was okay, somewhat ruined by the shrieking hordes of fanboys and fangirls and what I thought were fangirls but turned out to be fanboys. Seriously, young men these days are extremely androgynous. What happened to the good old times when you looked like a gorilla by the age of fourteen and had a voice like a four-stroke engine before you were out of your mother’s lap? (I think mankind evolving into homo sapiens happened to that – ed).

It’s always a pleasure watching Ralph Fiennes snarl at people. He’s an excellent snarler, he must have been a public school teacher in a previous life, if he took to snarling on street corners I would put a dime in his hat every time I walked by and so would you, don’t deny it. (Unless they get scared from the snarling and run away – ed). Shut up.

Alan Rickman faked an excellent death. He really is an outstanding actor, the way he smashed his head on the window and was coughing up blood I thought he’d actually gone to meet his manufacturer and that this would be the last movie I’d ever see his enormous nose in, unless they made a movie about a big nosed corpse. I had to be reassured by friends and family that this was not the case and that the snake wasn’t real. It sure looked real enough the way it slithered around and did snake like things. (You’re an idiot – ed). Shut up!

My nephyou was upset because, according to him, they changed the ending, and by upset I mean he put his hands on his head and constantly shouted ‘no, no, no!’ during the last half hour while threatening to kill everyone involved in the making of this film. I patted him on the back and told him to relax, it’s just a book. Then he threatened to kill me as well. I am now beginning to notice striking similarities between Osama bin Laden’s militants and J.K. Rowling fans. The world’s going to have to invade England next. (You’re still an idiot – ed). You can still shut up.

Also, really cute kids rarely grow up to be good looking adults, it’s something to do with the morpho…logi…cal properties of physi…ology, yeah. It’s a very scientific term you wouldn’t understand it, basically it means that their noses keep getting bigger and the raging hormones can give them butt-chins and shit. (Sigh – ed).

Point is, these kids grew up to be fugly. The girl has a bigger forehead than Christina Ricci, in fact it’s so big you might as well call it a fivehead now. The ginger kid looks awkward and ungainly but then again I suppose all ginger people look awkward and ungainly. Hairy himself, as previously expounded, looks about my uncle Charlie’s age back when he was forty five. (You don’t have an uncle called Charlie – ed). You’re a figment of my imagination too so fuck off.

The ending brought a tear to my fiction weary eyes though, Harry had survived death eaters, dementors, dragons, giant spiders, Voldemort and eight Hollywood adaptations to grow up to be an ordinary man with a mortgage, receding hairline, a wife, two kids and high cholesterol, living the dream; at least we don’t have to worry about anymore books, he’s too fucking boring now.

10 thoughts on “Hairy Potter – for those of you who’ve just come out from under rocks: massive, epic, ass shattering spoilers warning

  1. Jareer says:

    put a spoiler alert please, you ruined it for me at ‘high cholesterol and low testosterone levels’

  2. My brother screamed and kicked at everything in his vicinity as well after they altered the dialogues from the book.

  3. Ugly Shoelace says:

    Oh noes!😮

  4. Ugly Shoelace says:

    You will face the wrath of potterheads😮.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Thank Heavens!
    You are making sense again.
    The slump in between had saddened me.
    Keep it up! Cheers!

  6. leo says:

    Did you spell ‘nephyou’ incorrectly on purpose? As well as Harry was spelled as Hairy? Just wondering.

  7. starscrutiny says:

    I went to watch with a friend who kept lamenting in a high volume about how they have changed stuff. My eyes were itchy after wearing that damn 3D glasses and the ears too started itching after listening to her rants…

  8. hamster41 says:

    Hahahahaha. So did you find the movie good? I hated it and this was hilarious😀

  9. Gitanjali says:

    Please review Twilight!

    *salivates in anticipation*

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