Radio (part 2)

Before going to sleep the lion goes to drink water one final time, lions get thirsty a lot…but copious amounts of water can have a detrimental effect on their stomach. One should try to get them to drink milk instead, even if they resist. There shouldn’t be much sugar in the milk, in fact I would advise not adding any sugar at all. You don’t want your child to grow up with the idea that food has anything to do with pleasure. Some people give their kids soup, I am completely opposed to this vile practice. It’s too complex a substance, has too much texture. Keep things simple.

Milk is simple and it’s all the child needs, really. If it’s particularly averse to the taste, try to divert it’s attention while feeding it.

Put the radio on. Maybe the president will be explaining his decision to raise taxes, children love speeches. They are also thoroughly entertained by music, in fact it’s always better to have some music playing…music and romance go hand in hand after all, especially when expressing your love. Stringed instruments set the best mood, every pluck just tugs at the heart.

Try to avoid music with drums though, they are loud and intrusive…but sometimes you have to put up with noise for the sake of your child’s education, playing the drums can teach many things about rhythm and harmony…Oh! Harmony! Cruel, Harmony! I will never forget the moment when I professed my love to such a cold-hearted person. How beautiful that night was, how serene! I was sure she was the one, I was sure she felt the same way. There was no indication of the mortal blow she was about to deal me. We were sitting there, quietly, in each other’s arms…when suddenly there was a murmur and a bunch of monkeys went running by.

Almost immediately I noticed a giant shadow creeping towards us. The bear! I picked up my rifle and my partner scrambled for his, but as the bear came closer it’s shadow got considerably smaller and when it finally stood in front of us it looked suspiciously like a wolf. I asked my partner if it was possible the bear was in disguise. He told me that bears aren’t known for their cleverness. Needless to say we were disappointed. But I’ll say it anyway, we were disappointed. In the meantime the wolf came and stood right next to me. I tried to shoo him away but he didn’t budge, I tried to threaten him and scare him but he wouldn’t move a muscle. He just stood there staring at me…at last I lost patience and slapped him.

No sooner had I made contact that he started crying at the top of his voice. He cried up a storm and I was getting worried because the noise was beginning to attract the neighbours.

When I watched him standing there sobbing his eyes out I realized that you should never hit children. You should be stern with them and punish them if they misbehave, but hitting is one line you should never cross. It destroys their trust in you. If they don’t feel safe around you physically, developing a meaningful relationship is all but impossible.

I speak from experience, after that episode of violence our relationship…was never the same. I’m not saying she was a bad person, everyone has their flaws, but she really used to get quite physical during our fights. I think my decision to leave her was simply an act of self-preservation. It’s not like I could hit her back you know, she was a woman after all, and much stronger than I was. The last time we fought she broke my jaw. I think that’s what clinched it.

You might think I’m joking but it’s true, I couldn’t eat anything solid for a week…and proper nutrition is the basis for a happy life. It is your responsibility to make sure the child eats properly. A child’s diet is a very sensitive matter…a little carelessness can cause a lot of problems, like clogged airways, rust, loss of precision.

Carelessness can really destroy a rifle. It should be cleaned on a weekly basis. It is better to do this yourself, first of all you should make sure the gun is empty, it happens at times that the gun is loaded and goes off when someone tries to clean it. This can lead to terrible accidents, like the trigger getting stuck.

After emptying the gun, it should be massaged with pure gun oil. Look carefully for any holes or leaks…for the slightest open crevice will cause the milk to leak out and your child to go hungry.

The milk bottle is quite a convenient tool but requires regular maintenance. I’ll read out some instructions for properly cleaning it. When the child is done drinking disassemble it and put it in hot water, the bottle, not the child, and don’t let it play with any of the parts, keeping it away from the sink, the child I mean, not the bottle. Afterwards leave it out in the sun to dry, the bottle that is. Then put everything back together again and…back together again? I can tell you now that’s not true. We’ve definitely broken up. How many does that make now? I think she was my twenty-third.

I know that number might surprise a few people, but I’m not like other actors. I don’t use my fame to flirt with every attractive female out there. I’m a one woman kind of a guy. Well, they were all one at a time. I’m just saying that I’m unlucky, I’m always convinced this next one is the one, but somehow or the other it ends too soon. Take this girl I was seeing last year for example, I had almost put a ring on her finger when…some strange people showed up and said they had to take her back to the zoo. If I didn’t let her out of the cage this instant I could face legal charges as well.

I was shocked. How was I supposed to know it was a run away fox? These things happen some times you know. But it all turned out for the best. Truth be told I got rather attached to that wily old thing, I still go to visit her sometimes…but we can hardly look each other in the eye now. She knows how badly she broke my heart…and when she grows up she’ll realize what a terrible thing it was to do. But don’t keep reminding her of that, let her come to that conclusion on her own. Self-reflection is a vital learning experience.

In the end, it’s necessary to repeat that child raring…is an art, there are no right or wrong decisions here, what works largely depends on…the context, if you like someone…stalk them…keep a safe distance…give them their personal space…steady your hand…don’t be too loud…and finally…go for the kill.”

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10 thoughts on “Radio (part 2)

  1. Thunderdog says:

    amazing interconnection, i believe u did good justice to the original only if i can get my hands on it.

  2. Ugly Shoelace says:

    Okay. So I should read the original and then decide if you slaughtered it by translating it or not :P.

    The part about elephants (in Part 1) is so true. National Geographic was showing a documentary on how they get enraged, uncontrollable and – well – it was quite a mess.

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      Shafiq-ur-Rehman does very dry, deadpan humour, you know, saying silly things in a very serious manner. I’m not very good at that, I say silly things in an entirely silly manner. I think if I learn that art of disguise I’ll be a much better writer, definitely published, maybe even rich and famous, though probably just published.

  3. mahlaqa says:

    i havent read the original and i dont know wat to make of this one seriously 🙂

  4. mahlaqa says:

    really u think so.. well i dont think, that i wana think so…. now how abt that 🙂 i mean so much of thoughtful thinking could ruin the idea of ur thoughtless shafiqurrehman and his hamaqatain 🙂

  5. From what I know of Shafiq-ur-Rehman he plagiarizes a lot from great English humourists, so you may just have translated something from English to Urdu back to English. Having said that, I will now actually go and read it.

  6. The second part just goes completely madcap, jumping schizophrenically from one thing to anther. At one point where he talks about wooing his partner in the jungle and then says my partner picked up his gun, i thought the person he was wooing was a man, the shift was that sudden.

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      i kind of took a lot of liberties with the translation. technically it’s not even a ‘translation’, because half of this shit isn’t even present in the original.

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