It has been pointed out to me by a Muslim brother that I may have missed an important detail, sort of putting the cart before the horse, or the camel on top of the Arab. For how can one talk about lynching infidels before discussing the all important issue of getting a fatwa? A fatwa is a religious edict and the legal and moral justification for all considered action. Lynching an infidel without a fatwa would be like going to work without your pants, or going sailing without a boat. Embarrassing. There should be a fatwa against killing infidels without a fatwa. Anyway, without further ado, how to get a favourable fatwa!
1. The simplest way of course, is to become a religious scholar yourself. Then you can churn out fatwas like there’s no tomorrow. Unfortunately, not all of us are sexually attracted to prepubescent boys, so becoming a cleric might not be possible for some.
2. Failing that, you have to rely on other scholars. Which normally entails money. The fee depends on the merit of the scholar. If it’s only a Qari who comes to teach your kids, you could probably get one over a cup of tea. If he’s an established Mufti, the fee can be upwards of 100,000. If he has his own television programme, he might move into your house and ask for the entitlement. If he’s the head of one of the country’s leading Jamaats, nothing under a million will tickle his beard.
3. Of course, the quality of the Mufti affects the quality of the fatwa as well, the optimal cost-benefit decision is yours. The Jamaat Ameer’s fatwa, for instance, will hold up in any court of law, even the supreme court of the land. The neighbourhood Imam’s edict will not provide the same security.
4. These smaller Imams don’t provide a warranty either, the established Muftis guarantee your money back if the fatwa doesn’t work.
5. An international fatwa is an entirely different matter, and normally isn’t given for lynching neighbourhood nobodies. Let’s face it, verbally insulting Islam is not an international crisis. They have standards, they only condemn published work.
6. Online Imams are not a bad option. Online fatwas are cheap and they’re quick, normally shipping inside three or four days, given the Imam’s been paying his ISP bills.
7. Try fatwaonline, islam.tc or askoprah. On the other hand, maybe try an obscure Imam trying to make a name for himself, your lynching can be a great launching pad for his career!
8. Research existing fatwas, you never know, you might find something helpful. Lots of unused fatwas from the late 90’s boom are still lying around, try to see if anyone’s selling theirs online, try eBay for great second hand deals, see if an Imam’s having a yard sale, you might even get a buy one get one free offer.
9. Keep your options open, ask for quotations, go from Mufti to Mufti and remember, haggle, haggle, haggle! You’d be surprised how often you’ll find a Mufti overcharging. Tell him you could get the same fatwa from another Imam for half the price.
10. Be vague, don’t go into details. You don’t want a fatwa reading, “People who insult the Prophet on Sunday the 16th of January 2011 while walking through the market in their pyjamas are to be lynched”. This will only get you one lynching; not value for money. Ideally you want a fatwa saying, “People are to be lynched.”
11. Be flexible. Know that the fatwa that you want might not always be the fatwa that you get. Keep other infidels in mind. Sure, your wife might complain that she had her heart set on this or that fatwa, but remember, if she married you for a religious decree, you shouldn’t be in that relationship to begin with.
12. Lastly, if you happen to dine at an Islamic restaurant, make sure to ask for fatwa cookies. You might just get lucky!