Killing Infidels. Chapter 2: How to lead an angry mob

The start of the new year has been a momentous one. The social acceptance for the religiously motivated murder of a governor has given a tremendous boost to our cause, ridding this country of infidels. Non-Muslim minorities should no longer feel discriminated against, the underprivileged can finally stop moaning about unequal treatment, we’re getting to everyone now. But lynching infidels is no walk in the park, it takes great organizational skill to incite and lead an angry mob. Though most lynchings are smooth and peaceful events a single mistake can lead to total chaos. Here are some tips and tricks to help you put on a good show.

1. Select the victim a few days in advance, but don’t let word get out. Pick people up on the way. You don’t want to travel several blocks of road with a giant mob in tow, you want it to become a giant mob at the infidel’s doorstep. You also don’t want the latter running away before you even get there, then the mob is likely to lynch you instead.

2. Try to instigate it when you think most people will be home. Avoid office timings, etc.

3. Inform the local authorities. Stay on the right side of the law, find out if you need a permit. The police can help, especially with cleaning up.

4. Keep your face in a permanent snarl. It makes people curious about what’s going on. The trick to having a well set snarl is constipation, though it helps to have a paralysis of the lower mouth.

5. Lie. Generously. When people come up to you and ask where you’re storming off to, tell them about the devil worshiper who eats rats and plans to tear down the neighbourhood mosque, which hasn’t even been built yet, and tell them you’ve seen this all with your own eyes.

6. Bring your kids along. It’s time they did something useful, what else did you not send them to school for?

7. Involve women. Show the world we’re not misogynists and that these miserable creatures have a perfectly valid role to play in the public sphere.

8. Shout slogans, be loud, be vocal, don’t sing though, you’re leading a mob not a choir.

9. Dress comfortably, you’re going to be doing a lot of walking.

10. Drink plenty of fluids. Burning infidels can be extremely dehydrating, especially in the summers.

11. Bring rope, bricks, gasoline, anything you think might be useful.

12. Also, a map. You don’t want to burn down the wrong house.

13. Pitchforks are too medieval. Use household items like knives, belts and Kalashnikovs.

14. Torture, but be creative! Hang them by their pubic hair, throw them in the washing machine, run them over on a tricycle, use your imagination! Don’t be clichéd.

15. Keep your schedule free, you never know how many sympathizers you’ll run into.

16. Make a little speech. Quote scripture, invoke a religious authority. Start with, “Grraaararaerhghg!”. Still don’t sing though.

17. Last but not least, have fun!

Remember, lynchings are wonderful events that we are lucky to be able to legally attend in Pakistan, if you haven’t been to one before do so at your earliest convenience. Don’t miss out!

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15 thoughts on “Killing Infidels. Chapter 2: How to lead an angry mob

  1. Umair says:

    Salman Butt kay baad Beaconhouse Garden Town kaa naam sirf aur sirf Haseeb Asif hee roshan kar sakta hay.

  2. Ugly Shoelace says:

    Public hair or pubic hair? :/

    Also, once you are done with all the fun, make sure you lead the mob with an exemplary smile on your face! Say “cheese”.

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      good spot! when i become a successful writer you can be my official proof reader, i’ll name you during my nobel acceptance speech, and in the dedications page of my less successful novels.


  3. Fizza Hassan says:

    If you thought that this can make the readers smile even at one instance, it didnt. Not me. Other than that mockery was good. Mmmm… not too good but good.
    Hope to read a good post from you.

  4. Ugly Shoelace says:

    I am so thrilled 😮

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      There is no track. It’s a dead end, a brick wall, an eighteen story building without a ground floor. Tell other Asif to get away while he can. Cold…so cold…I see bearded people.

      • Ahmed Asif says:

        Hi Haseeb….Omar introduced you to me today through the link he posted. I, too, think you are on the right track, even if you are not seeing any–and that’s OK. Strangely enough a few years ago I started off writing ‘nonsense’ under the name ibleees–with three e sss. That looks like a distant memory. I see a lot of potential here. Nice to get to know you!

      • Haseeb Asif says:

        Whoa! Other Asif, are you a future me? Where do I live when I grow up? Do I get married? Does she already have kids?

  5. Ahmed Asif says:

    Just don’t get married. The rest is pretty OK: I mean, your future.

    • Cruiseboat says:

      Ahmed Asif, I’ve read parts 1-3 of your Pakistan: 2022 story and find it immensely intriguing. Is the rest of the story available or is it, as I suspect, a work in progress?

      Eagerly awaiting your story’s conclusion. I would also be interested in some of your earlier works if they’re posted anywhere you’d be willing to point me to.

  6. Leo says:

    Coming back to your blog is never a disappointment.

  7. Ahmed Asif says:

    Hi Haseeb….Thanks for your comments on my 2022 story. I’ve written four or five more episodes so far and shared with my fb friends, but they are all kind of first-draft type of material. I’m going to sort it out, fix it; and hopefully you will continue to see the story on–they have published the first 2 parts and will do the third one this Friday. I’ve written a collection of short stories and working on a larger project–which is at standstill. I’ve just recently started to send my material out to literary magazines in the US.

    Your style of writing and contents reminds me of my own in many ways. At some point shifting towards the story or fiction side may be a good idea–and there in that arena you’ll find quite a bit of freedom to express your ideas. Cheers and good luck!

  8. Ahmed Asif says:

    Hi Haseeb…link for part 4 of the story Let’s fly Sunni…..ahmed

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