The start of the new year has been a momentous one. The social acceptance for the religiously motivated murder of a governor has given a tremendous boost to our cause, ridding this country of infidels. Non-Muslim minorities should no longer feel discriminated against, the underprivileged can finally stop moaning about unequal treatment, we’re getting to everyone now. But lynching infidels is no walk in the park, it takes great organizational skill to incite and lead an angry mob. Though most lynchings are smooth and peaceful events a single mistake can lead to total chaos. Here are some tips and tricks to help you put on a good show.
1. Select the victim a few days in advance, but don’t let word get out. Pick people up on the way. You don’t want to travel several blocks of road with a giant mob in tow, you want it to become a giant mob at the infidel’s doorstep. You also don’t want the latter running away before you even get there, then the mob is likely to lynch you instead.
2. Try to instigate it when you think most people will be home. Avoid office timings, etc.
3. Inform the local authorities. Stay on the right side of the law, find out if you need a permit. The police can help, especially with cleaning up.
4. Keep your face in a permanent snarl. It makes people curious about what’s going on. The trick to having a well set snarl is constipation, though it helps to have a paralysis of the lower mouth.
5. Lie. Generously. When people come up to you and ask where you’re storming off to, tell them about the devil worshiper who eats rats and plans to tear down the neighbourhood mosque, which hasn’t even been built yet, and tell them you’ve seen this all with your own eyes.
6. Bring your kids along. It’s time they did something useful, what else did you not send them to school for?
7. Involve women. Show the world we’re not misogynists and that these miserable creatures have a perfectly valid role to play in the public sphere.
8. Shout slogans, be loud, be vocal, don’t sing though, you’re leading a mob not a choir.
9. Dress comfortably, you’re going to be doing a lot of walking.
10. Drink plenty of fluids. Burning infidels can be extremely dehydrating, especially in the summers.
11. Bring rope, bricks, gasoline, anything you think might be useful.
12. Also, a map. You don’t want to burn down the wrong house.
13. Pitchforks are too medieval. Use household items like knives, belts and Kalashnikovs.
14. Torture, but be creative! Hang them by their pubic hair, throw them in the washing machine, run them over on a tricycle, use your imagination! Don’t be clichéd.
15. Keep your schedule free, you never know how many sympathizers you’ll run into.
16. Make a little speech. Quote scripture, invoke a religious authority. Start with, “Grraaararaerhghg!”. Still don’t sing though.
17. Last but not least, have fun!
Remember, lynchings are wonderful events that we are lucky to be able to legally attend in Pakistan, if you haven’t been to one before do so at your earliest convenience. Don’t miss out!