After decades of careful examination a team of two hundred and fifty researchers finally concluded last week that dying is bad for the health. In a report that is to be published in next month’s ‘Pakistan Journal of Misapplied Sciences’ the researchers remark that aside from the lethargy it induces, death has extremely detrimental effects on the skin; which loses all colouration, becomes pale and cracks up, peeling off in some areas.

Those who feel strongly about body odour find the awful stench associated with the condition unacceptable and the accompanying rigor mortis can cause muscular stiffness which is especially aggravating for people who suffer from rheumatic illness.

The research was carried out using a randomly selected sample of two thousand corpses which were compared with a control group of people who were still alive. The living fared better on physical examinations, racking up longer distances on the treadmill and more lengths in the swimming pool, although the deceased did manage to hold their breath under water for longer, leading to the suspicion that dying increases lung capacity.

It also seems to have a positive effect on sexual virility, as the cadavers were able to maintain their erections for longer periods of time. However, when it came to aerobics, the dead were incapable of performing the simplest of motor tasks achievable even by infants. There was some concern however, over the results being affected by cultural bias, as moving around after death is generally frowned upon in human societies. The complete inertia then might just be an adapted behaviour to avoid social stigma.

Things were closer in the mental examination, even though the dead didn’t answer any questions right they didn’t answer any questions wrong either, for which there was negative penalty. The living answered as many right as wrong, so the totals of the two groups were not significantly different. This reinforced the scientists’ belief that death has no detrimental effects on cognitive faculties. “However that is little consolation in light of the complete and utter physical deterioration, ” a spokesperson for the research team remarked, and advised that the key to avoiding this terrible illness was in, “staying alive, of course.”

This ground breaking study follows others in which these scientists discovered that the cure for insomnia was to sleep at night and that the solution for world hunger was to feed everyone on the planet.

The team gave a statement to the press earlier that their latest discovery had caused great excitement within the scientific community, both living and dead, and was sure to open up new avenues of research in a variety of fields. That remains to be seen though as many sections of the public accused them of being irretrievably stupid and wasting everyone’s time. The spokesperson for the team said these accusations would require a separate study and that a hundred of their best guys were working on a rebuttal.

“There are always skeptics who denounce serious scientific pursuit. They laughed at Newton when an apple fell on his head, they laughed at Galileo when he said the world was round. Well, who’s laughing now?” He asked the detractors.

“Not Galileo, that’s for sure,” was the prompt reply.

In an unrelated experiment, a group of researchers from the northern parts of the country discovered that, “every six out of ten people outnumber the four that are left.” Skeptics in the scientific community however were not entirely convinced with the validity of that statement and wanted more experimentation done.

One of the researchers elaborated, “Statistically speaking, this means that 60% of something is always greater than 40% of that same something, but could be smaller than 40% of something else. Or to put it another way, it takes more time to count upwards from 1 to 6 than it does to count downwards from 10. To 6 that is, unless the second person can count faster. In that case it becomes impossible to say glglsdfasfsue. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to take my medication and lie down for a bit.”

These researchers were formerly with the ‘Punjab Institute of Mental Health’ but since the end of their captivity have been working independently on solving some of the greatest mysteries known to science, like the origin of life on earth, the constant expansion of the universe and why one testicle is always shorter than the other.

Meanwhile, scientists in India have uncovered the fossilized remains of what has now been identified as George Mallory, the British mountaineer who went missing during an expedition to the Himalayas sometime in the 19th century. The scientists hope that studying his remains will provide deeper insight into the primitive behaviour of pre-partition man.

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13 thoughts on “Science

  1. Leo says:

    Whoa! You are pumping articles out this month. How come there aren’t many in your archives? Did you delete them?

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      No, I made the blog and forgot about it, then I forgot that I’d forgotten about it and started blogging again recently. It happens with me from time to time. I forgot to breathe once, for two whole minutes, and almost ended up in a coma. Come to think of it, maybe I did and you’re all just figments of my imagination.

      • Leo says:

        If I’m a figment of your imagination, you’ve a bloody good imagination because I’m pretty kickass or so I imagine. I’ve decided to restrict the number of times I use the word ‘imagine’ or it’s derivatives to 3 per sentence. I impose such restrictions on myself once in a while. Oh yes! I wondered that you had written quite a few articles and then there had been some censorship because they were a little too scandalous. Anyways, at the rate that you are going, it looks like you’ll cover up for the self imposed hiatus.

  2. Ugly Shoelace says:

    “Not Galileo, that’s for sure,” was the prompt reply. — > Because he is, erm, dead?

    “why one testicle is always shorter than the other” —> Oh, that might have something to do with the right one descending first. Meh!!! One, erm, “mammary gland” (medical jargon since the post is related to science) also happens to be shorter. I wonder why the asymmetry.

    Time to ssh!

    Good read, as usual 😀

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      See, this is the sort of thing they should teach in schools before all that algebra and grammar and shit. For years I was worried my scrotal asymmetry was the result of being punched in the balls by a teacher in 5th grade. He wasn’t in 5th grade, I was and to be fair to him he was aiming for my stomach. But it left me traumatized.

      • Ugly Shoelace says:

        Tsk. I feel your pain. Did you ever seek professional help? Sue that teacher. He scarred you for life.

        And, they teach the stuff I know at med school. That’s PG-18. Can’t really teach it to kids now, can they?

        Hm. Or maybe they can revise the course. That’s a thought.

      • Haseeb Asif says:

        I didn’t have the balls to seek professional help, literally, I thought they’d be laughed at or something. I would sue the teacher but I fear he’d just beat me up again in court. So you’re a doctor? Hmm, my cousin used to be a doctor, but she got treatment! She’s almost normal now!

  3. Ugly Shoelace says:

    I am going to be one in a few months. Your cousin is lucky, really! Not many of us can escape the tentacles of “MBBS” or “MD” whichever is applicable.

    And really, you should seek professional help and you must SUE. That’s your chance. Don’t be afraid. I’m telling you. You gotta “shed those scars”, you know?

    Wow, I envy your cousin. Where did you say she get treated?

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      At home, we mainly gave her herbal remedies, like marijuana. It was imperative to impress upon her that there are more likable and less thankless vocations than being a doctor. Such as everything else. Her social reintegration was difficult but she eventually got the hang of it, although her handwriting is still illegible. I can’t sue my maths teacher, it’s just not polite.

      Oh and I would like to inform you that the next post on this blog will now be about doctors.

      • Ugly Shoelace says:

        Ah! Tough detox! I am never going through that. The period of withdrawal hurts really bad.

        *glares at my own handwriting*. It’s really not THAT bad.

  4. Ugly Shoelace says:

    she got* 😛

  5. Avinandan Mukherjee says:

    Can we start following you on Facebook!?
    Sorry for all the consumerist ideas!

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      Please do, I love consumerism. I own, therefore I am. The more I own, the more I am. All these shiny little logos make me feel so comforted and loved. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to give my Lenovo a hug.

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