After decades of careful examination a team of two hundred and fifty researchers finally concluded last week that dying is bad for the health. In a report that is to be published in next month’s ‘Pakistan Journal of Misapplied Sciences’ the researchers remark that aside from the lethargy it induces, death has extremely detrimental effects on the skin; which loses all colouration, becomes pale and cracks up, peeling off in some areas.
Those who feel strongly about body odour find the awful stench associated with the condition unacceptable and the accompanying rigor mortis can cause muscular stiffness which is especially aggravating for people who suffer from rheumatic illness.
The research was carried out using a randomly selected sample of two thousand corpses which were compared with a control group of people who were still alive. The living fared better on physical examinations, racking up longer distances on the treadmill and more lengths in the swimming pool, although the deceased did manage to hold their breath under water for longer, leading to the suspicion that dying increases lung capacity.
It also seems to have a positive effect on sexual virility, as the cadavers were able to maintain their erections for longer periods of time. However, when it came to aerobics, the dead were incapable of performing the simplest of motor tasks achievable even by infants. There was some concern however, over the results being affected by cultural bias, as moving around after death is generally frowned upon in human societies. The complete inertia then might just be an adapted behaviour to avoid social stigma.
Things were closer in the mental examination, even though the dead didn’t answer any questions right they didn’t answer any questions wrong either, for which there was negative penalty. The living answered as many right as wrong, so the totals of the two groups were not significantly different. This reinforced the scientists’ belief that death has no detrimental effects on cognitive faculties. “However that is little consolation in light of the complete and utter physical deterioration, ” a spokesperson for the research team remarked, and advised that the key to avoiding this terrible illness was in, “staying alive, of course.”
This ground breaking study follows others in which these scientists discovered that the cure for insomnia was to sleep at night and that the solution for world hunger was to feed everyone on the planet.
The team gave a statement to the press earlier that their latest discovery had caused great excitement within the scientific community, both living and dead, and was sure to open up new avenues of research in a variety of fields. That remains to be seen though as many sections of the public accused them of being irretrievably stupid and wasting everyone’s time. The spokesperson for the team said these accusations would require a separate study and that a hundred of their best guys were working on a rebuttal.
“There are always skeptics who denounce serious scientific pursuit. They laughed at Newton when an apple fell on his head, they laughed at Galileo when he said the world was round. Well, who’s laughing now?” He asked the detractors.
“Not Galileo, that’s for sure,” was the prompt reply.
In an unrelated experiment, a group of researchers from the northern parts of the country discovered that, “every six out of ten people outnumber the four that are left.” Skeptics in the scientific community however were not entirely convinced with the validity of that statement and wanted more experimentation done.
One of the researchers elaborated, “Statistically speaking, this means that 60% of something is always greater than 40% of that same something, but could be smaller than 40% of something else. Or to put it another way, it takes more time to count upwards from 1 to 6 than it does to count downwards from 10. To 6 that is, unless the second person can count faster. In that case it becomes impossible to say glglsdfasfsue. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to take my medication and lie down for a bit.”
These researchers were formerly with the ‘Punjab Institute of Mental Health’ but since the end of their captivity have been working independently on solving some of the greatest mysteries known to science, like the origin of life on earth, the constant expansion of the universe and why one testicle is always shorter than the other.
Meanwhile, scientists in India have uncovered the fossilized remains of what has now been identified as George Mallory, the British mountaineer who went missing during an expedition to the Himalayas sometime in the 19th century. The scientists hope that studying his remains will provide deeper insight into the primitive behaviour of pre-partition man.