Pornistan?

I have recently come across a highly disturbing and questionable series of news reports that cite Pakistan as notching up the most porn related searches on google. We can deal with this in two ways, either be glad that we’re the best at something and request a trophy to go with the title or point at the dubious statistics being churned out to make us all look more sexually repressed than we are, but still request a trophy to go with the title.

Now, watching porn is nothing to be ashamed of, unless you’re watching it with your grandmother then it’s positively embarassing. But porn is one of the staples of online culture, a cornerstone of the world wide web. Logging onto the internet and not watching porn is like going to Egypt and not seeing the pyramids. It’s fucking preposterous. There is nothing wrong with leading world wide hits on pornographic content, the disconcerting thing is that we are high on some bizarre keyword searches like ‘Donkey Sex’, ‘Horse Sex’ and ‘Buffalo Mating’, the last to which google innocently inquires, ‘did you mean Dr. Firdous Ashiq Awan naked’?.

The thing that gets my goat, yes I have a goat, no I don’t have sex with it, honestly, I kiss it sometimes but only as a father would kiss a son, yes his own son, no not on the lips, what kind of parents do you have!? Anyway I’ve forgotten what I was saying now. Yes goats; goats are interesting animals. They walk on four legs, are easy to kill and taste really good when cooked. In my book that is an awesome animal and how all living things should be. Things that walk on more than four legs don’t often taste as good. Cockroaches, while crisp, leave a bitter aftertaste. Centipedes are the worst and have no nutritional value at all. My rule of thumb, or rather rule of toe is, the more legs something has, the less great it tastes. By that logic the human being should taste the best, but since it is not a domesticable animal it is very hard to hunt down and kill, so I have yet to eat one.

All this talk of porn has made me hungry now. I must have something’s flesh. This post will resume after lunch.

Hello, it’s me again. We were talking about Pakistan’s unenviable position at the top of the weird porn search ladder.

There must be some rational explanation for that aside from flimsy statistics (how many internet users do we even have in this country? 20?) and nefarious CIA/RAW/YMCA/Salvation Army conspiracies. I have come up with a handful of theories that make no sense but then again, neither did Midnight’s Children and it won the Booker Prize.

Theory numero uno: We are all just perverts here and get off on beastiality. This is not unbelievable. Reports of livestock rape are frequent in rural areas, not so much in the urban centers because there are other things to rape here, like traffic regulations and the English language; religious institutions have limited their sexual abuse to children and in the federal capital only civil rights are violated.

Theory nombre deux: There is just one very dedicated pervert here. So dedicated that he spends his entire time making keyword searches for animal sex and so perverted that he doesn’t even bother viewing the results. This is less likely than the above, but still not improbable, as I read that a man once spent his entire lifetime growing his fingernails, I mean what the fuck? Leave them alone you moron, they can grow by themselves! That and the existence of storm chasers (seriously, what kind of reverse engineered idiot looks at a giant mass of twirling wind that is ripping up the earth and goes ‘hey I want to get close to that!’?) has set the bar for human stupidity very low, so this hypothesis cannot be discounted. In fact I might even know the suspected felon, I’ve noticed that since a certain someone had his laptop stolen last week the ‘donkey sex’ hits emanating from this region of the world have plummeted drastically.

Theory zahl drei: Animals in Pakistan have free access to the internet. This is not implausible at all. Our entire populace has been labelled as ‘donkeys’ by many people over the years , Habib Jalib for one, my mother for two, my father because he is not allowed to disagree with my mother for three. Moreover, should an actual mule or horse ever get online there aren’t a lot of things it would conceivably search for, having no interest in politics, the latest movies or the how much the new iPod costs, all it’s energy would be directed towards species specific porn.

Theory numbr chaar: Because of the language barrier and limited vocabulary of Pakistani internet users (let’s face it, most people only know three words, donkey, sex and fuck) the statistics are actually misallocating well meaning searches. To find anything on the internet the average Pakistani can either smash his keyboard and hope the letters come up in the exact sequence that would lead him to his desired destination or he can try and put in the few words he knows, hoping that google will provide help with related searches. For instance, to find out more about foreign exchange he could start by putting in donkey sex, then improvising a little with donkey sexchange, then google will ask if he meant donkey exchange, then google will ask if he meant deutsche exchange, then deutschemark exchange and so on, eventually pinning it down to the intended target. As his vocabulary increases, the average Pakistani will try more farm animals and variations on the word sex, that is how people learn any language, fucking get over it.

But by far the simplest explanation is that all those perverse Arabs are rerouting their IP’s to make it seem like this traffic is coming from our country. Why? Because ‘Camel Sex’ is the next keyword on the list.

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33 thoughts on “Pornistan?

  1. Why the camel-fucking-sex doesn’t anyone comment here? This post has to be the funniest one I’ve read ever since the Pornistan issue came up.

    Also, I sound like a happy whore commenting at this rate. I’ll stop.

  2. Ugly Shoelace says:

    Hahahah! Brilliant.

  3. Khamba says:

    This was absolutely hilarious. One of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

    • Damn hilarious! This is the first time i am ever reading a Pakistani guy writing so beautifully! I now know for sure (although i have known earlier) that all Pakistanis are not funny! With the exception of you of course! Great write up. Keep blogging!

  4. Najeeb says:

    Am I laughing coz I’ve been up all night and gone cuckoo, or was that actually that funny?

  5. Mackers says:

    Dude, you are by far the funniest Pakistani writer I have come across. Better than the other 3😛

  6. abrain says:

    hahaha🙂
    truly hillarious

    “The thing that gets my goat, yes I have a goat, no I don’t have sex with it, honestly, I kiss it sometimes but only as a father would kiss a son, yes his own son, no not on the lips, what kind of parents do you have!?”
    LMAO🙂
    keep up the good work

  7. Brilliant! Loved each sentence.

  8. kartik says:

    Youre a Paki !
    your sense of humour is unbelievable.. i knew you guys were funny as in.. funny in the head :p … but not funny.. Well done!

  9. Tazeen says:

    Oh boy, you had to bring in Apa Firdaus….

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      It was a typographical error I assure you. I had intended to write ‘Nargis’ but accidentally pressed the wrong keys, yes all 18 of them. Mondays aren’t good to me.😦

  10. Kudos!! That was brave!! and of-course hilarious!!

  11. See. I knew people would love this.

  12. Ravi Chander says:

    I am convinced the Arabs and the US Army in Afghanistan is routing their IP through Pak. And since China was trying to block Google, I wonder if their searches also detoured through Pak. Explains the high rate of hits!

    There is no way India would lag behind, were it not for the unfair rerouting of ip’s through your country!

    Your post was ROTFLMAO too funny! You imagine and write well. Please keep blogging.

  13. Gulbadan says:

    uff what following!😛

  14. Rene D says:

    Hilarious!🙂

  15. Geetika says:

    lol…hilarious!…🙂 we shud get that donkey sex one comment on this one!🙂

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      He denies it, but I’ve seen how he looks at the donkeys roaming around the streets and I tell you, if he doesn’t get off on mules then my name isn’t er, whatever it is.

  16. Leo says:

    Funny stuff. Loved the Midnight Children analogy.

  17. Bogus Controversy says:

    Of course excellent post.

    But this comment is about something off topic yet related in a way.

    The heading promised “Governor Punjab Salman Taseer’s Family Wine Dance Pictures Scandal

    The text promised- “Controversial Images of Governor of Punjab Salman Taseer with his family“.
    And further- “These pics shows what Salman Taseer, his son & daughters, friends and family is doing and what they are capable of“. Evidently they have done something serious!
    and then- “Please don’t make it political, we just presented it to show the inner face of Governer Punjab“. Whoa! that promised to be juicy and was prepared to see some graphic pictures of decandent activities by duplicitous greedy corrupt politicians of Pakistan.

    And what do we get ?

    The first pic is of a bunch of girls sitting in a stadium of sorts probably after a game of basketball. Ok, they are in shorts and healthy legs are on view.

    After that ?
    Decently attired young people, doing just what ordinary young people do, smile at cameras.
    Fine, they are rich, while most of Pakistan is poor, so ?

    What is the point of that article ?

    That girls should play basketball and go swimming only in burkha ?
    That rich people should not party with friends and family ?
    That people should not laugh at camera and seen to be having good time?

    The duffers who put up that web page ends with this caption “See full party pictures with everyone having COLD DRINKS in hand!”
    WTH!

    Aren’t there enough asylums in pakistan to take care of these people ?
    ————

    iblees = i bele’es = i believes = a believer ?

  18. tarun says:

    Haha. Midnight’s children analogy. Hilarious

  19. Annie says:

    hahhaha, Genius!

  20. Phoren says:

    Indians use net only for news.

    For porn there is The Slimes of India- the official ToIlet paper, The Hindustan Slimes and The Indian Sexpress where PressTitutes of India(PTI, coined by Oldtimer) sell their wares.
    Chinese porn is published from Chennai.

    A_randi_thi got Hooker prize. A_rvind A_dicka too.

  21. Akbar says:

    Haseeb, brilliantly written post – I agree on the need for the trophy at all costs. I hereby promise to frame it up in my house if we do ever get it, and a picture of it of course.

    Mehreen, thanks for the spaming. Never thought i’d say that…..

  22. ajay says:

    Hilarious post. I like Phoren’s comment.

  23. Avinandan Mukherjee says:

    -ditto-

  24. baarud says:

    Not Bad!
    Not bad at all!!

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