Unhappy and Gay Are They

What follows is a list of famous men who have, up until now, successfully hidden their deepest, darkest and vilest habit from the scathing eyes of the world. No, not that they get together to watch Oprah every Tuesday, though that is pretty vile as well, but that they’re gay. You know, queer. Crooked. Bent. Camp. Queens. Ponces. Pansies. Poofs. Buggers. Homos. Fairies. Arse bandits. Toilet traders. Bum boys. Batty men. Backside artists. In the closet. Fudgepacking, shitstabbing uphill gardeners. They bat for the other team. They dine at the downstairs restaurant. They’re Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. They take it where the sun don’t…well, you get the picture.

Jesus:

You knew that was coming. The long hair. The kempt beard. The dresses. Always surrounded by a dozen young men. Being impartial to male nudity. Never married. Never even went out on a date. Spoke of love and peace and other effeminate nonsense us real men know doesn’t really exist. What do you think had Judas so riled up? Apparently, John was Jesus’ favourite apostle, used to sleep with his head in his lap and all, only it didn’t go down too well with the other eleven. You know how relationships are, it’s difficult enough with just one.

Batman:

Is the world round? Is the sky blue? Is batman gay? I mean, isn’t it fucking obvious? “To the batcave, Robin!” But make sure Alfred isn’t looking. We’re talking about a guy who goes out at night wearing tights, and a cape, and gloves. Not to mention the seemingly endless array of gadgets he keeps producing from his knickers, and the affinity he has for small, dark places and chasing after men wearing make-up. Batman and Robin? More like Bruce Wayne and his homoerotic fantasies.

Superman:

No straight man would ever wear his underwear on top of his pants. It defies all logic and puts to shame the most questionable of fashion senses, even Tim Burton’s. What’s more, no straight man would ever claim a pair of transparent spectacles as credible disguise. The idea is profoundly stupid and surely the product of a depraved homosexual mind. “I’ll just put these on and nobody will recognize me,” only glasses are supposed to improve your own eyesight, not worsen anyone else’s. Nonce.

Christopher Columbus:

Not only was he too fucking ugly to ever have sex with a woman he also had no sense of direction and was in the frequent habit of floating his vessel in the wrong sea, if you catch my drift. Plus, he was Italian and that’s enough evidence to cast a shadow over his sexual preference. While the rest of renaissance Europe was busy with little things like humanism and the qualitative improvement of art, the Italians were sculpting phalluses out of marble. But for shame Michelangelo, why was David’s penis so small?

George W. Bush:

Ok, so he screwed 31 million Iraqs, half of whom are men and 28 million Afghanis, all of whom are men; as everyone knows there are no women in that country. Technically, that makes him the most promiscuous faggot the world has known since Alexander the Gay left for India with an army of 2,000 men and came back with ten times that number.

The Backstreet Boys:

Seriously, The Backstreet Boys? Does this even warrant an explanation? The only way they could’ve announced their gayness more loudly is if they went on stage in pink frocks and bright red lipstick. Or if they released a song called ‘Trapped in the Closet’, like R. Kelly.

Albert Einstein:

He had pubic hair on his head. He fled Nazi Germany because they were racist against faggots. He had pubic hair on his head. Yes, faggot is a race. He had pubic hair on his head. He was credited with the equation ‘Eroticism equals Man Chamber squared’. He had pubic hair on his…there is no wave-particle duality get the fuck out with that perverted shit, either something behaves as a wave or a particle, it can’t behave as both! I swear, these bisexuals are always trying to get the best of both worlds. Besides, what kind of a man grows pubic hair on his head!?

Brad Pitt:

His name is an anagram for Ptri Dbta which must stand for something homosexual in a dozen African languages, like Swahili. Moreover, only 3 of his 6 children are his own. A sure sign of the reluctance to indulge in normal sexual practices that should result in healthy and happy families large enough to populate a township. Also, his previous wife looked suspiciously like a man. In fact, she looked more like a man than he did, and now he’s married to a skeleton and it’s clear who wears the pants in this relationship as well. Don’t worry Brad, being subservient to a woman doesn’t make people think you’re gay, but the cock in your mouth does.

Gandhi:

Gandhi practiced celibacy within marriage. Have you ever talked to women who are married to gay men? They sound just like Gandhi’s wife! Not only was this tropical fruit completely bent like a banana but he had the gall to turn his deviance into a public relations gimmick! Male nudity, non-violence and celibacy. All homosexual ideals, and just what was his brilliant non-violent revolt? Starving himself to death. That sure showed them! Fucking twat.

Buddha:

Gautama wrote the book on homosexuality, literally. It’s called the Four Noble Truths and other Gay Slogans. Anyway, there he is, in 5th century B.C, before clothes were invented or rape was considered a crime due to all this bleeding feminism, king of the fucking land, he could’ve had all the minge from Nepal to Burma and what does he do? He goes into the forest to sit under a fucking tree. I mean, what the fuck was he thinking? And what the fuck was that Kurt Cobain shit about Nirvana? Maybe I’m being too harsh on the geezer, maybe he wasn’t a closet fag. Maybe he was just fucking insane.

9 thoughts on “Unhappy and Gay Are They

  1. Umar Ghumman says:

    Yup! You ARE quite the Iblees!

  2. I think he’s amazing.

  3. no one says:

    check ur fuckin brain if u have got one

  4. someone says:

    I understand you’re irked, but it is generally not good practice to check one’s own brain. The associated surgical complications mean that it can lead to strange outcomes.. such as dogma inhibiting one’s inability to appreciate humor. Please, desist.

  5. Marshal says:

    Ah! You left out Mohammad. Deliberate? Feared?? Could be…
    Here are reasons to consider him too a gay.
    Who preaches to keep all women behind veils, the so called ‘burkhas’ so that no man looks at them and gets tempted by their beauty, except for a gay?

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      It was difficult to come up with ideas for a man who allegedly married up to thirteen different women. I mean, surely even the most sexually confused person in the world wouldn’t make that many mistakes. I’m not so sure about your reasoning either, every time I see a hairy, wolf ugly woman drowning in her own make up I feel like I’m never going to have an erection again. It should indeed be illegal for them to show their faces in public, so maybe Mo was just catering to the greater good.

  6. Leo says:

    I don’t believe you got flak for this post. I keep telling people to be careful of who you rip on. Especially backstreet boys. See, now you’ve offended his homosexual fan base.

  7. Gawd says:

    what about ‘e gad ? The fella that’s always up… above, that gives maessages only to men.

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