A Letter from Afghanistan

(It helps to read this with an utterly ridiculous accent. Which was pretty easy for me, I just used my own)

I am poor men called Peshawar from city of Mahsud Khan. My brother Dastar Khan die very badly in war with soviets, he no longer able to hear or speak. My other brother, Ghusal Khan, he kill my brother Dastar Khan in war with soviets. They fight over who mother love most. Ghusal Khan also kill fifteen of my other brother and sisters for be favourite. He spare me because he know no one possibly love me, except hermaphrodite called Ruksana. Ruksana my wife, and sometime husband, who I love very much.

Our marriage not legal in Islam, or other religions. People make funny of us all the time, threaten to chop our balls off. I move with Ruksana to Kabul because wearing burka is only way she can be mistaken for woman. But when we get there we find Americans come and force all woman to take it off. Make to wear tight jean and tea shirt instead. Ruksana no look good in tight jean. She hung like donkey, look like shit her pants from the front.

No one understand us. She say we must hide from world and live in secret. So we go to mountains and decide to make home in caves. But when we get to mountains we find all of Kabul already move there, to get away from Americans. Fucking Americans! Is their country so bad they must go live in other people’s all of time!?

Ruksana and I go back to Kabul. On way Ruksana give birth to our first child, we name it Morcha Khan, after place he was born in. In Kabul there many empty houses to choose for. We pick one near to national football stadium. I love sport, Ruksana love executions.

Three days after giving birth to our first baby, Ruksana pregnant again. I shout at her, am very angry. What the fuck wrong with you, I ask her. Where we get more pamper and milk. Where we get toys for me to play while you nurse children.

Ruksana very calm and tell me Allah take care of it. I go to neighbour shop, it run by Allah Ditta. He tell me no problem, there so many pampers in Kabul that he give me free of charges. He say allies drop them from sky every other day, because people shit themselves when ever drone attack. Why, I ask him. Because it always miss target.

With two children and another on way Ruksana no longer able to give me sexual pleasure. I make friend with stray goat instead. But after having it’s way with me I realize this not right. I a married man and goat already engaged. So I slaughter instead and eat it, share with Ruksana and the kids. We very happy with our peaceful life together.

Until one day, when Americans announce they leaving. Everyone from mountains come back, with three time more people! Nothing to do in caves all day except fuck each other.

Suddenly Kabul not such nice place anymore. It get overcrowded, all pampers run out, all goats eaten, the Taliban start vile practice in town like close brothel and strip club. Ruksana can no longer get work. Once, we live in entire house alone, now we must share with fifty people, Ruskana and I sleep bed with four other men. She get pregnant a lot these days.

Please Mr. Nato sir, you must help for sure I am at my tits end. I got no money, no job, my clothes torn, there no feet in my shoes. Taliban chop them off for walking on their grounds.

My wife very sick make gurgling noise when sleep, make even more scarier noise when awake. I am affected person in your war of terror, my family need help. Please sir, my children very little, please give them aids.

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2 thoughts on “A Letter from Afghanistan

  1. Hahahahahahahahaha this was amaaaaaazing. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Oh god.

  2. Avinandan Mukherjee says:

    GAWD!

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