My imaginary friends from abroad often ask me what my country is like and I always say to them, listen, get the fuck out of my head I’m not going back to therapy it’s bad enough being crazy without having to tell someone about it.
But do they ever listen? Oh I tell them what my country is like. My country is like no other country in the world and they should be thankful for that. It stretches far and wide within the borders of it’s lands and sometimes beyond that into the neighbours’ lands although they don’t mind as much as they used to.
My country is the land of the pure; the purely stupid and the purely crazy. My country is the land of the free, for everyone does whatever the fuck they want. We guarantee employment to retards (judiciary), pathological liars (civil service) and sociopaths (the armed forces). If you can prove all three mental deficiencies, you’ll autmoatically be made president, as soon as the incumbent sociopathic retard admits to completing his term, though be warned he may lie about it.
But let me stop while I’m behind and answer a few of the particular questions I never get asked about visiting here.
Where, exactly, is Pakistan?
Pakistan is located somewhere east of New York and west of Tokyo. Since no one likes to admit to being our neighbour we’ve had a hard time over the years in pinpointing where exactly, but we’re definitely not in the arctic as there’s not enough ice around.
Which city do you live in?
I live in the biggest, and only, city in this country, Lahore, otherwise known as Lahore or simply, Lahore. There used to be other metropolitan areas here, like Karachi, but I don’t think people live there any more, just wild life.
Are there many tourist attractions there?
Well yes, most everyone is attracted to tourists here. From the taxi driver who will smile as he overcharges you to the shop owner who will sell you a piece of stained cloth like it was a national treasure; from the friendly guide who will abduct you and hold you for ransom to the policeman who will take the ransom and let you die instead; they will all be lured by the promise of tourist wealth.
Will I need to learn the local language (Urdoo?)?
Heavens no, nobody living here bothers learning it so why on earth should you? Pakistan has the second largest population in the world of people who wish they were really English, the largest obviously belonging to Scotland. Their case is more pitiful though as they missed out by just a few miles.
Are there many beautiful women in Pakistan?
To answer your question, no, there aren’t any women here at all. To be rude and impolite, when was the last time you had a shower, the middle ages?
There are no women here. No female sex, no sex at all. Sex is taboo, females are taboo, the word taboo itself is taboo. Speaking it out loud is punishable by death, writing it down is obviously quite alright. There are just men, or men pretending to be women, or men pretending to be men pretending to be women. Sometimes when I’m walking around the streets gazing at the feminine beauty that isn’t there, I think I’ve died and gone to hell.
Do you love your country?
Of course, I love my country always except for the summers and the winters and the two seasons in between.
Is it a good place to live in?
Sure it isn’t.
Are there like, a lot of people there?
You bet your severed umbilical cord there are. We reproduce like rabbits and are damned proud of it. On current estimates, there are approximately 200 million people living here…no wait, make that 200 million and one…no, make it 200 million and two…oops we’ve got another one, 200 million and three…200 million and four…ok, ok by the time I will have ended writing this article the population of this country will be 201 million. By the time you’re done reading this, that figure will have probably tripled.
Is it safe there? I’ve heard some awful things…
I’ve heard some awful things as well. Like that new Black Eyed Peas single. Or Billy Ray Cyrus, but I don’t condemn an entire country for the actions of a few. I blame an entire continent. Shame on the Americas for letting that tedious plonker sing, even his daughter is at it now.
But sure, it’s safe here, as safe as playing Russian roulette with a torpedo. Come to Pakistan only in case of severe insanity or a dire need for self-harm, preferably with your last will and testament sealed and stamped, your internal organs dysfunctional (or already sold), breathing impaired and a life expectancy of only a few minutes.