There used to be a dozen in the beginning, when the world was still young and a rupee got you more than a laugh. On those long stretches of roads where commuter concentration was particularly vulnerable. Then, they began increasing in number. Linearly at first, the dozen became two, the couple dozen became four; accident prone and pedestrian heavy areas were identified and inundated. They would be made outside schools, colleges, brothels, any place that was frequently visited and where traffic was high.
Suddenly, a few years ago, they started multiplying exponentially. They were popping up on main roads, side roads, neighbourhood streets, streets where traffic was already perpetually jammed, streets where cars hadn’t wandered for hundreds of years.
You would pass a road in the morning and come back in the evening to find a freshly paved bump on it. You could be watching the road all day and just go inside to take a piss and there would be a bump waiting for you outside. You could blink while driving and suddenly it would pop up right in font of you, sending you flying in your seat.
It was bizarre, mystifying, senseless. It was like Lahore had a rash, an infection, an epidemic. They had no symmetry, no design, no paint, nothing. They resembled pinched skin and they were everywhere! They were taking over this damned city.
It wasn’t just the motorists who had their bums broken either, pedestrians were falling over them. They were so surreptitiously placed as to avoid detection until one was completely on top of them. They were ingenious.
But what was especially puzzling was the fact that they were unnecessary. Nobody asked for them. Nobody wanted them. They didn’t serve any purpose. If slowing vehicles down was the idea, the foot deep ditches in the broken roads of Lahore were already doing a finer job of it.
It’s already an epic struggle negotiating these streets. If the broken patches don’t get you, you’ll be stuck behind some deaf cyclists, or donkey carts, or donkeys without carts, or carts without donkeys, or carts with other animals or even other animals without carts. Like cows, goats, sheep, dogs, horses, buffaloes and policemen. It’s a regular fucking safari out there, with the policeman obviously being the most dangerous animal to encounter. Not only does it look the fucking ugliest, but it’s bite is in fact even worse than it’s ceaseless barking. Do not feed it anything but money.
Once you’ve learnt to deal with the wild life you meet the real villains of the piece. The Rickshaw and Wagon drivers.
The Rickshaw driver is a shy, gentle soul who just wants to be left alone as he plods along at 5 fucking miles an hour ignoring every horn and verbal abuse while sitting with his feet on the steering. His deadliest weapon is the pristine black smog he releases from the back of his farcical vehicle, which happens to produce more carbon monoxide than a brick kiln.
The wagon driver is a dangerous, sadistic creature who will incite you with every swirl, cut and turn into a challenge that you are doomed to fail; getting ahead of him. To say that they drive like madmen would be an insult to the insane. These fine sociopaths have been deemed too mentally unstable even for lunatic asylums.
All these things conspire to make sure that you’re never going faster than a crippled fat kid on a tricycle, anyway. So why the back breaker overkill?
I thought long and hard, then I thought short and soft, then I stopped thinking dirty thoughts and decided to focus on the breakers. I could only come up with two possible explanations.
One, the municipal councils had run out of spaces to expand graveyards into (or build new ones) and therefore the bereaved of the city had been clandestinely advised to bury their dead under six feet of solid pavement.
That’s not too far fetched, considering that a good proportion of the bumps don’t even cover the entire road they’re on, only bits and pieces of it. That makes sense when burying kids. Some of the bumps are larger than others, as people are wont to be. Some are slimmer, some are fatter. They fit with the overall mould of the human physiology.
But that is a level of cleverness by the civic administration I’m just not comfortable accepting. It is uncharacteristic with their track record of nada intelligent policies enacted, and let’s put it in a time frame, ever.
Then my mind began to wander onto more sinister explanations. I wondered, I wondered about who could possibly benefit from rending us all back patients or paralyzed from the buttocks downwards? I wondered who had the means to pull off such a dastardly plan? I wondered who it was that had aspirations for world domination. What better way to get at people than the softest parts of their anatomy? And then I wondered some more.
And finally it hit me, with its fists at first then with a flurry of elbows, knees and legs. An epiphany. It was the Jews!
It had to be. It made perfect sense. The Jews were taking over our streets, butchering our cars, leveling our behinds. It was all part of the international Jewish conspiracy to take over the world, one speed breaker at a time.
Why us first, though? Since when did we become so important? The truth is, they fear us. They fear us because of our religious zealouts, our political schizophrenia and our sheer number of idiots. We’re friends with the Arabs. We’ve got geopolitical impotence. We’re the only Muslim country who can pretend to bomb Israel. We’re close to Iran, and they fucking hate Iran.
But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, I think a little taxonomy is in order. What exactly is a Jew, you ask? Oh you don’t, well I’m going to tell you anyway.
Not contrary to popular view, the Jew (spelled Joo, pronounced evil, malodorous pervert) is a hideously savage creature with cloven feet, talons for hands, forked tongue, a serpent like tail, wings, sharp teeth, three eyes, two penises, bad breath and excessive body hair. Being a master of the craft of dark magic, the Jew can attain the appearance of a normal human being, with the exception of a long and crooked nose belying it’s true nature.
It survives by drinking Christian and Muslim blood, it has a great affinity for coins and notes and uses it’s black magic to excel in all forms of commerce and trade. Crossing a Jew is considered terribly bad luck, and owing a Jew money is a sure path towards misery and misfortune.
Jews are rumoured to live in graveyards and hang around in trees during the night, preying on unsuspecting passers by for money and sustenance. The Jews reproductive cycle is too disgusting to discuss even on the internet. It allegedly involves putting the male ‘you know what’ in the female ‘you know where’ and then thrusting back and forth like a depraved plumber. A horrendous and shameful thing that pious, god fearing Christians and Muslims would obviously never do.
But this isn’t about filthy Jewish habits. This is about filthy Jewish conspiracies. I’m onto you Shimon Peres. I want compensation for my ravaged car suspension and alignment.