Bhai Log

Har achi takhleeq ki tarha, is film ka aghaz bhi Shafqat Cheema Sahab se hota hai. Woh kisi Yahoodi madrassay mein dars de rahay hotay hein; ke aik mulk bana tha kisi zamanay mein Pakistan ke naam se, tab wahan chand aik Musalman the, aj woh mulk Islam ka qila ban chuka hai, jisko hamay taurna parayga. Film hai, sachai per mabni nahin, aisi baaton ka bura na manayega.

Pakistan ko taurne ki yeh karvaai shuro hoti hai ‘roshnion ke shehr’, Karachi se. Sitam zareefi yeh hai ke roshnion ke shehr mein aksar das, das ghente bijli nahin hoti. Andhera hota hai. Kheir, na ho roshni, Cheema Sahab ko is se kya.

Is ke baad screen per tashreef laate hein television aur film ke mayanaz fankaar, Nadeem Baig. Nadeem is film mein aik baap ka kirdar ada kerte hein, kyunke ab unki yehi kirdar ada kerne ki umer hai. Unke sath kuch zyati ye hui ke jab unki hero ka kirdar ada kerne ki umer thi, tau tab bhi unko baap ke kirdar hi diye jatay thay. Unke chehre per jhurian hi itni theen.

Darasal woh umer mein jaldi baray hogaye. Nihatti jawani mein hi boorhay hogaye, kisi ko pata bhi nahin chalne diya. Aik saal solveen salgirah manayi aur aglay saal chalisveen. Aik saal woh apni Ammi Jaan se adhi umer ke the, aur aglay saal un se do teen mah baray hogaye. Gher walay sakht pareshan huwe, lekin kheir, Cheema Sahab ko unki pareshani se kya.

Nadeem ko aik mazhabi qism ka badmaash dikhaya gya hai, jo logon ko qatal bhi kerta hai aur unki Namaaz-e-Janazah bhi khudi parha deta hai. Aise badmaash se behtar aur kya hosakta hai, jo maar ker apki rooh ki bakhshish ke liye Inna Lillah bhi parh dalay. Nadeem, jis ke kirdar ka naam Abba Bhai hai, ka muqabla karachi shehr mein sirf aik aur badmaash ker sekta hai. Javed Sheikh.

Javed Sheikh, urf Aslam Bhai, itna mazhabi badmaash nahin. Woh sirf logon ko qatal kerta hai. Yeh dekhne bhi nahin rukta ke woh mar gaye hein ya sirf shadeed zakhmi hein. Innah Lillah parhna tau door ki baat, woh tau seedhe moonh kisi ko jawab nahin deta. Kuch kasoor is mein Javed Sheikh ke moonh ka bhi hai, jo ke shayid seedha hai bhi nahin. Aisay bud-ikhlaq badmaashon se tau Allah hi bachaye. Gher mein aker balatkar bhi ker dete hein, aur yeh bhi nahin poochte ke Ammi ki sehat kaisi hai? Rano ki shadi hogayi? Wagheira.

Tau aik tameezdar aur aik badtameez badmaash; yeh kahani kuch Mirat-ul-Uroos se milti hai, in donon kau Akbari aur Asghari kehna beja na hoga. Kheir, Cheema Sahab ko Mirat-ul-Uroos se kya.

Asal mein in donon bhai logon ne Karachi shehr ki ma’ashi aur syaasi zindagi apni muthi mein band ker rakhi hoti hai. Is baat se Lachoo nami aik shareef aur roshan khyal admi ka dil sarta hai. Kyun ke woh haq aur insaaf ki syasat kerna chahta hai aur yeh bhatta vasool kerne walay badmaash har baar uska patta kaat lete hein.

Darasal Lachoo tash mein kabhi bhi acha nahin tha. School mein apne Master se joowe mein haara kerta tha, itna haara kerta tha ke Master ne uska gher hi khareed liya aur uski maan se shadi kerke us mein rehne laga. Lehaza Lachoo ko gher chorna para, apni zindagi khud banani pari, ustaadon aur badmaashon se door. Ab Lachoo ameer hai, izzatdar hai, per taash mein usi fazeelat se harta hai. Kheir, bhala Cheema Sahab ko patton se kya.

Tau han, Lachoo in donon ki taaqat torne ke liye in ko apas mein larvane ki chaal chalta hai. Nadeem, yani Abba Bhai, yani Asghari, ke dayen haath ke admi ko marva deta hai, yeh Lachoo ki nadani thi, kyunke Nadeem apne saray kaam bayen hath se kerta hai, jis hath ka admi uska moon bola beta, Moammar Rana, hota hai.

Momi is vardaat ke forun baad aik karkhane mein ja ker kuch logon ko pheinti lagata he. Is liye nahin, ke yeh jaan paye ke qatal kis ne keraya, bus waisay hi, ghussa utaarne ke vaaste. Is film mein Momi ko bohut ghussa ata hai, ghundon per, apni behen per, Saima per, sab ko pheinti lagata hai. Mujhe tau der lag raha tha kahin screen se utar ker mujhe bhi na pheinti laga de. Lekin cinema hall mein andhera tha, shayid mein nazar na aya hoon.

Is doraan Shamoon Abbasi (Inspector Nadira ya Nagra, pata nahin, in mein se aik zaroor hoga) asli qaatil ke peeche bhaag raha hota hai. Kyunke asli qaatil ka vazan kisi gainday se kam nahin tha, is liye Shamoon Abbasi ko zyada nahin bhagna parta. Phir jab woh qatil ko pakar leta hai, tau usko goli maar ker poochta hai ke tumhe yeh qatal kerne ka hukam kis ne diya, mere khyal mein ager ye sawal goli maarne se pehle ker liya jata tau shayid jawab mil pata aur usi waqt jhagra khatam hojata, Nadeem aur Javed Sheikh ko teen ghente khajal na hona parta, lekin mujhe kya pata, mein konsa inspector hoon.

Is qatal ka ilzam Javed Sheikh, urf Aslam Bhai, urf Akbari, urf thori per garhay wala maindak, per ata hai. Dono bhai logon mein jang chir jati hai. Is jang ke duran Nadeem ki moonh boli beti (Momi ki behen) aur Javed Sheikh ka saga beta apas mein lafantrian shuro kerdete hein. Unhon ne socha hoga moqa acha hai, hamaray baap shehr ke sab se baray ghunday hein, apas mein jang ker rehay hein, kisi ko kya pata chalay ga hum kaun hein.

Is bhool mein woh pakray jatay hein. Juda kerdiye jaatein hein. Momi apni behen ko chapeiren kerata hai. Javed Sheikh ka bhi aik moon bola beta hota hai, Faizu, yani Babar Ali, lekin Faizu uske sage bete ko chaperein nahin kerata. Balkay utla use bhaga lejata hai, Momi ki behen ke sath, aur sumundar ke kinare aik kamra le deta hai jahan woh shadi kera ker suhaag raat manaatay hein. Is duran Babar Ali bahir gari mein dau chaukidaaron ke sath sota hai. Kyunke is suhani raat mein akele kisi ko nahin sona chahiye.

Kheir, Cheema Sahab ko sonay jagnay se kya.

Lachoo ko kisi tarha is baat ka ilham hojata hai aur woh apne bete ko bhej ker in dono premion ko marva deta hai. Babar Ali ko bhi golian lagti hein, lekin usko pehle bhi kayi filmon mein golian lag chuki hein, is liye woh ghabrata nahin, bach jata hai.

Albatta, zyada deir ke liye nahin. Momi Rana samajhta hai ke Babar Ali ne kisi tarha un dono premion ka qatal kerke apne aap ko athara bees golian, shak se bachne ke liye maar daleen. Woh Faizu ko dhoond leta hai aur usko phir se athara bees golian maar deta hai. Is baar Babar Ali nahin bach pata, itni golian usne pehle kisi film mein nahin khayin. Itni tau aadmi Disprin ki golian khalay tau shayid tab bhi jaata rahay, yeh tau phir bandooq ki theen.

Kheir, Cheema Sahab ko golian khane se kya.

Momi ko Shamoon Abbasi moqa-e-vardaat per giraftar kerne aa pohunchta hai, lekin Saima, jo khud bhattay ka dhandaa kerti hai, Momi ko bacha leti hai kyunke ‘woh chikna hai’. Kuch deir baad Saima sharab ke nashay mein mubtala ho ker Momi ke ird gird nachna shuro kerdeti hai, lekin chikne ko ye harkat pasand nahin ati. Woh akhir ikhlaq ka buland admi hai, sirf logon ko maarta hai, peet ta hai, qatal kerta hai, is ka yeh matlab tau nahin ke woh gunaah bhi kerne lag paray.

Lehaza Momi us ko bhi rakh ker chapeir kera deta hai. Is waqt tamashbeen, yani ke mein, Shamoon Abbassi ke liye bura mehsoos kerne lag parte hein, kyun uske liyay abhi tak koi heroine aaker nahin nachi hoti. Lehaza filmstar Noor ko aik sahafi ka kirdar de ker forun nachvaa liya jata hai. Us ka naach khatam hone per Shamoon Abbassi usko chapeir nahin kerata, galay laga leta hai. Akhir woh Momi jaisay buland ikhlaq ka admi thori hai, qanoon ka hamayati kutta hai, saala. Lekin kheir, Cheema Sahab ko kutton aur saalon se kya.

Ab is waqt Nadeem aur Javed Sheikh ke takrao ko rokne ki koi soorat nazar nahin arehi hoti. Lekin namumqin ko mumqin bana dena, yehi tau Shafqat Cheema Sahab ka kaam hai. Yaad rahay, ke chaand per pehla admi Cheema Sahab ne hi bheja tha, film Qurbani mein aik lafentere ko kasun maar ke; idhr bhi woh kuch isi tarhe ka chamatkar dikhate hein, woh aaker sab ke saamne apne pol khol dete hein.

Cheekhte hein, dhaarte hein, ke mein Yahoodi hoon, Pakistan tabah kerne aya hoon, Musalmanon kau masalne aya hoon, Israel aur America ki sazishon per amal kerne aya hoon; phir Cheema Sahab is tarhe pheinti khatay hein jaisay sawab ka kam ho. Kyunke Nadeem aur Javed Sheikh unhe mulk dushman samajh ker lataarna shuro kerdete hein, akhir Yahoodi hi mulk dushman hosakta hai, Musalman chahay badmash ho, qatil ho, chaval ho…acha hota hai, neik hota hai, jannati hota hai. Dozakh sirf Yahood-o-Nasara ke liye bani hai.

Kheir, chorein in baaton ko, Cheema Sahab ko dozakh se kya.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

15 thoughts on “Bhai Log

  1. This was unbelievably hilarious.

  2. If wasim akram’s bowling was transformed into an irreverent film review, it would be this.

  3. ali abbas says:

    GOD! loved every single line of it.. this is awesome.. maza agaya :D

  4. Best thing i have read on web in a while. Kheir, chorein in baaton ko, Cheema Sahab ko is se kya.

    • Haseeb Asif says:

      mein zindagi mein aik baar Cheema Sahab se milna chahoonga, woh din meri zindagi ka pehla aur akhri din hoga, us ke agay peechay tau bema’ani vajood hai, jeeti jagti maut. ameen, sum ameen

  5. umar says:

    Wow. Amazing.

  6. Ugly Shoelace says:

    :( Pliss to be posting this in proper Urdu? Roman Urdu sucks. It might start giving people a squint :/

  7. Manish says:

    Haseeb Bhai,

    Mujhe kuch ek urdu ke lafz samajh mein nahin aaye par aaj tak kisi review ko padhkar itna nahin hansaa ;-)… aap aise hi likhte rahiye…

    ek baar fir se shukriya mera thoda sa khoon badhane ke liye ;-)

  8. Minerva says:

    Epic brilliantness, Haseeb. Keep writing!

  9. Saleem Shady says:

    Iss azeem mazmoon ke baad aap ne aur films par iss tarah ka tabsara nahin kiya, jis ki wajah se aap ke parhne walon mein shadeed pareshani aur bechaini hai. Dasti aik aur review likhein, shukria.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 147 other followers

%d bloggers like this: